The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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