There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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