Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
