ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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