pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
