You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
