ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
