Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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