it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
