and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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