Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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