So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
