Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
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eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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