They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
