I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
