we should wear snuggies to the strip club
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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