Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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