you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
