Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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