my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
