My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Girls should come with a carfax report
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
