Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
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I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
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It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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