Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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