mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
