There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
