I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
