either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
When did angry sex become our thing?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
