My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
