he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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