i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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