Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
