i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
