He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
