I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
