9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
