last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
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