oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
