We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
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