So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
