Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
