wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
did you just send me my own nude
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
