Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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