i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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