I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
