Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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