i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
