yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
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i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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