Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
