i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
