No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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