I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
