True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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