we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm really busy with my period
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