Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
